Sannin Against Yaoi
by FeralRaziel
Summary: Jiraiya is unamused! He will not stand for it. so what does he do? enlists help of course


Fic from my bro who goes by Orochimaru-sama (We are all geeks)

Was bored, hate yaoi, hate sasuke, love the sannin this lovely piece of literature! -Oro

start o.o

5th Hokage, Tsunade, was gazing out her office window. She looked at the trees and the sky and the streets dotted with her citizens. Her hazel eyes searched them to find people she knew.

Iruka was buying fruit, a man of simple tastes she supposed. Naruto was parading himself down the same street. Tsunade wondered if he knew Hinata was following him or, more importantly, Sakura was coming up on him rather quickly. The sannin was going to watch this car crash but spotted a white blob heading out of the Konoha gates. Upon closer inspection, this blob was Jiraiya.

She slipped past her assistant Shizune. However her pet pig, TonTon, followed. Tsunade zigzagged down the streets she was just observing. Iruka waved at her with a, "Morning Hokage." She skipped over Naruto, who was on the ground with an increasingly fat lip. Sakura had stalked off somewhere with Hinata.

Wondering what in the world her old pal was up to, she used the direct approach. "Jiraiya, where the hell are you going?" she shouted when she was at the gate. Jiraiya, instead of freezing with guilt, turned around flamboyantly and puffed out his chest.

"I'm addressing an issue serious to the reputation of shinobi everywhere." The Toad sage stated. "…say what?" Tsunade replied, unimpressed. Jiraiya kept his ridiculous composure.

"I'm completely serious! And if you had the gall you'd come with me on one more dangerous mission, Tsunade." He said with his right hand in the air. Tsudnade started at him a bit longer before realizing he was completely serious. "Oink?" TonTon wondered at her feet.

"Jiraiya, I'm the Hokage. I can't just leave the village!" She had barely finished the sentence when Shizune ran up behind her. "Great news, Lady Tsunade! We just finished all the paper work and filed through that ordeal with the Sand Village! We're totally ahead for at least a week! Isn't that great?" Tsunade could only look at her loyal assistant with a horrified expression etched on her seemingly ageless face.

"Hear that? Fantastic! Shizune take care of the office for a few, would ya?" Jiraiya dropped all composure and became very excited. He linked arms with Tsunade and walked her away from the gate. "But, but-," the Hokage stammered. "Have a nice time, Lady Tsunade! I'll have everything in tip top shape when you return!" Shizune shouted, waving. She was just glad her mistress could get some time off.

So over the next few days, the two Sannin walked from town to town. Tsunade had no idea where Jiraiya was leading her and for what stupid purpose. She noticed, though, that he apparently meant to reach his goal quickly; he didn't stop in as many gentlemen's clubs. And said clubs were few and far between in rice patty country.

No matter how much she nagged him about it, Jiraiya would not tell her where they were going. She couldn't take it. One day, after some time walking in a forest, Tsunade stopped. "That's it" she said. "Oh boy." Jiraiya rolled his eyes.

"I am not taking another step until you tell me where we are going and why!" the Hokage exclaimed. She crossed her arms, stomped her foot, and turned her head with a hostile snort. Jiraiya turned around and put his hand behind his head. "Come on, Tsunade! We're almost there! I swear it!"

"That's what you said yesterday!" She shouted back. Jiraiya was at a loss. Clearly, Tsunade was at the end of the line. So he turned tail and ran. Tsunade stood and blinked for a second. "Hey! I was talking to you!!! Get you butt back here!" She chased after him. "I'm going to hurt you!" she added, making Jiraiya run faster.

She was gaining on him, focused on that long swinging white hair of his. Then he abruptly fell out of sight. Tsunade skidded to a stop. There was a final thud and Jiraiya moaned in discomfort. She looked down. It was a staircase leading into a tunnel.

Backing up she realized it was an entire building, built into the ground. The pillars to the said of the staircase Jiraiya had just met were adorned with painted snakes. Tsunades stomach tightened.

"Why did you lead us here?!" She whispered frantically to him as she helped the man up.

"Trust me Tsuande. He may be the vortex of hell from all evil springs, but he'll understand what I have to say!" Jiraiya said confindently. He dusted himself off, as if regaining dignity, and tromped off down the tunnel. Tsunade looked around frantically. She had a headache but went after the Toad Sage.

They marched past endless corridors, skip, hopping and jumping over booby traps. When they were clear of the traps it had been hours and there were now doors on either side of them. They passed several servants of some sort, but were not attacked. The servants looked on in utter stupefaction, probably shocked that the two sannin they did not serve had just jogged past.

The Slug Princess and the Toad Hermit came to an open room in which there was a counter, a sofa, a fireplace and many doorways to more unending corridors. It also contained a fair amount of luggage and a severed hand off to the edge of said counter. Tsunade had been watching a couple servants scamper down out one of the doors.

When she looked back she realized, with a start, that the room also contained Kabuto and Orochimaru himself. She steadied herself and kept her eyes on Kabuto, who had jumped to his feet by this time.

Orochimaru just sat at the counter. He lazily swept some hair out of his stark face and said, "Well this is convenient, we were just leaving." Kabuto was watching his master for any signs to go on the attack.

Jiraiya took a step forward and retrieved a pile of papers from his satchel. He slammed them onto the counter with a loud slap.  
"We have a problem." He said, staring Orochimaru in the face.

"Any problem of yours is of benefit to me and vice versa. I don't see how we can have a collective problem, old friend." the snake man said, but Jiraiya put a finger up.

"Yaoi."

Everybody in the room blinked at him. They had no idea what that word meant. Kabuto shifted uncomfortably.

Jiraiya sighed. "Listen, I was playing around with the Old Man's crystal ball…"

_ Probably looking up dirty pictures._ Tsunade thought. _What a waste of Sarutobi-sensei's crystal. _She shot a glare at Orochimaru.

"And I found this thing called Google. Its crazy! You can look up anything you want on it!" Jiraiya's cheeks reddened a bit. The snake sannin coughed lightly.

"Aaaanyway. I looked up my name on it, of course. And it was all fine and dandy, everybody just loves me. But then I found this."

Very solemly Jiraiya flipped over one of the pieces of paper. Orochimaru fell out of his chair with a start. Kabuto looked shocked beyond words. Tsunade wondered what just happened. She blinked as Orochimaru replaced himself in his seat.

"…What…the…hell." He stated into the silence. Jiraiya nodded in an all-knowing kind of way.

"That's yaoi. Apparently bored little girls think it's cute to pair up guys with other guys."

"Are you saying they do this to everybody?" Kabuto spoke up. Tsunade tried to wrap her mind around what was just said.

"Everybody! Even girls on girls! ……heheh." Jiraiya's snigger was cut short by a kick to his shin from an unamused Tsundae. Orochimaru was likewise without amusement, as he had crossed his arms and fixed his old comrade with a cynical look.

"Hah I wouldn't look at me like that if I were you. One of the most spread pairings is you and Four-eyes over there. You and the Uchiha kid too." Jiraiya said smugly. "People are under the impression you're a…you know, pedophile, there Orochi."

"I, Wh…Beg your pardon?!" The Giant Snake hissed looking genuinely appalled. Kabuto snorted and tried to pass it off in a coughing fit. His master shot him a venomous glance.

"Wellll! You are isolating yourself for months at a time with only them for company what are they supposed to think?" Jiraiya said. Tsunade had to try not to smirk, Toad Sage had always enjoyed picking on Oro.

"You're not going to be thinking much of anything when I tear out your brains stem and stab you in the eye with it…" Orochimaru muttered. Before Jiraiya could say anything, he continued, "You know very well I don't like men. And I may be of twisted soul and sadistic mind, but honestly, being pedophilic would serve no purpose."

"That was a disturbing bit I walked in on." Sasuke said from beside Orochi. "Kukuku." He said of the matter.

"Oh but the most popular one is (at this point Jiraiya did the physical incarnation of shifty eyes) Sasuke and Naruto!"

Sasuke paled.

"I have an idea." Kabuto said, and pulled a small disc from his pocket. "If you attach this to picture files, it'll put a virus on it. You can take them out that way."

"Hax!" Sasuke snorted.

Jiraiya took the disc. There was an awkward silence.

"Get the hell out of my base!" Orochimaru exclaimed. Everybody jumped 5 feet in the air. Tsunade turned to leave, never wanting to speak of this again. Jiraiya lit the papers on fire and threw them at Orochimaru's face, scorching the snake's hair and shirt.

"Why you!" He got up and gave chase. So Jiraiya found himself being chased again. Smaller summonings were involved but eventually Tsunade won (again) by dragging Jiraiya out of the fray. When Orochimaru stormed back in the room Kabuto and Sasuke were throwing things at eachother. He wondered if this was worth his time after all.

Well, Konoha wasn't on fire when they got back. Tsunade took this as a good omen and so immediately raided her sake cabinet before anything else. Jiraiya poisoned the yaoi…and kept the yuri. He then wrote a bestseller and Kakashi nearly wet himself in anticipation. And The All Knowing Author stopped the story before Akatsuki started showing up.

XD end leave me be.


End file.
